Slow Learner

I don't know why I can't JUST BE who I want to be. Marriage is hard. Motherhood is hard. And most days I go to sleep feeling like a complete failure. 

I have a sweet, young friend that is mother-to-3, media specialist, co-nursery coordinator, patient and loving- and answers my questions multiple times a week about the most bizarre of situations. And every time I see her I think, "Why can't I be more like her?". Why am I so overwhelmed and I only have one (for a few more weeks) child? And I only work part time.  What's wrong with me? 

And then I realize, I'm a slow learner. I know exactly what's wrong with me. What's wrong with me is I am trying to be someone I'm just not. 

I think most of us want to be able to parent like we were parented. At least in my little group of friends- I think we feel like our parents did pretty good. We have fond memories of our childhood. And we want to pass along those same opportunities. My mom was a fun mom- we had picnics and baked Christmas cookies and made little English muffin pizzas.... We camped out by the Christmas tree and spent days at the beach. And our house was always clean. 

What you have to realize is our wasn't just clean. It was Venita-clean. Laundry was washed, folded, AND put away. Dishes were not left in the sink. Floors were vacuumed,swept and mopped almost daily. I've never seen anything in my mom's house that resembles dust. Supper was cooked at a decent time and my mom managed to have all of us bathed and dressed AND she had herself bathed and dressed. And I'm pretty sure we were rarely late.

And you know what- I drove my mom crazy. I knew I did. I wanted to make her happy but Venita-clean just never worked for me. I always had 1 too many books on my nightstand, and an art project or 3 or4 laying around. My clothes didn't always make it back to their "home" and I honestly don't remember you have to dust until i see dust. But to me- being Venita-clean is part of being a good mom. 

So I try to be the fun mom for Whitlee and bake cookies and play in the yard and read books.... But I can never let go of the nagging feeling that I am failing. Most nights I go to bed with dishes still in my sink. My laundry rarely gets from the basket to my drawers or closet. And supper is usually ready just in time for Whitlee's bedtime. All those things that drove my mom crazy about me.... Now drive myself crazy about me. 

I was texting with another sweet friend last week about how defeated I feel.  How weak and incompetent and frustrated. How easily I lose my temper and how often I don't even want to get out of bed because the day has already beaten me. And she told me that I was one of the best moms she knew. That my house was always clean and my daughter was happy. That i cooked supper and crafted.... And while I know she is seeing only the best of me - I wish I could give myself that measure of Grace. 

That I could be okay with having a Kate-clean house and picking up supper every now and then. That I could take a deep breath and enjoy my child and my husband instead of feeling like what I have to offer them is just never quite enough. My husband is loving and gracious and selfless in so many ways--- and i know there are many (probably most) days that he looks at me and ended what happened to the woman he married. I'm barely recognizable at this point. 

Surviving.

I know- every blog post I start with, "I'm going to try to blog more".... And then I don't. I remember a year ago--- struggling to get sleep, wash my hair, feed my baby, remember to keep up with friends...and everyone telling me "It gets easier". No- it doesn't. A year ago I could sit my 3 month old up in a bumbo with some toys and jump in the shower or wash bottles or do any number of quick chores. Now I have a mobile, opinionated toddler.... And I cannot get a thing done. So I am surviving (there is truly no other way to describe it. It's not as negative as it sounds--- but I'm never ahead, never caught up.... Simple hanging on and trying to get it all right). And every now and then I decide to actually take the time to type up one of these posts floating around in my head. 

It's November--- and the cliched Thankful posts have begun.... But it's one cliche I enjoy and wish I could hang onto longer into the year. I'm not making a commitment to postwhy I am thankful each day... I don't need one more thing to try and keep up with each day. But today I will tell you a couple of things  I am thankful for. 

Today is orphan Sunday. I'm surprised at how many people don't know that. But then I remember that, to many people, adoption is not a calling. For me it is. And God continually places friends and family members in various stages of the adoption process in my life. I have learned so much and am so encouraged by their stories. So today I am thankful that my favorite "orphans" are adopted and living forever in loving homes. 

First, of course, is my nephew, Micah. For Craig and I Micah has been the single most influential person in our adoption journey. He alone helped me to truly see the need for foster parents and families willing to foster-to-adopt. I could not imagine my family without him, nor could I imagine Whitlee growing up without him for a cousin. He brings so much mischief and joy to our family.  And while our fostering plans are temporarily on hold (that alone will take numerous blog posts), I am thankful God used Micah to open my eyes and heart to the orphans within my own community. 

Second, I have to thank sweet Henry for all he has taught me. Henry's parents became my friends in the earlier stages of their adoption journey. I was thrilled to learn of their impending adoption and blessed to walk alongside them in the journey. But what impacted me most in Henry's story is SEEING a parent's ability to unconditionally love both a biological child and a heart child. I have told myself over and over that I can (and will) love all my children completely regardless of how they join our family. But after having Whitlee I began to doubt my ability to love ANY child as fiercely as I loved her. Yet only weeks after Henry was welcomed into his parents' lives, they learned he would be a big brother in less than 9 months. His parents' hearts were overjoyed, yet their love for Henry never diminished. They have become the embodiment of "love makes a family". And once again I realize that God strategically placed Henry's family in my life specifically to reassure me in an area that caused me to fear the adoption calling. 

And it appears my opinionated toddler has decided I've blogged long enough!!maybe this post will get finished one day... But most likely I will have forgotten my words by the time I come back around. 

Tender Heart, Growing Baby

Tonight I rocked a baby to sleep for the last time.... Tomorrow I will still rock her- she will still be MY baby--- but the rest of the world will see her as a toddler.  I'm not ready. I've shed a few tears about the transition. If only because I still feel like a new mom (technically I think you ARE a new mom until subsequent children arrive, because each day,age,stage are still  new to you). 

I thought about taking a picture because my little one is so pretty when she sleeps.  But some things I want to hold in my heart. The way she loves to be snuggled just so- and how she pats my face while she fights sleep because she really wants me to play with her- or at least smile while she talks to me. And it's so hard not to because she makes such fun, shrieky sounds these days. I'm not sure a picture can do those moments justice. 

I know in my heart Whitlee will still be my same baby tomorrow that she is tonight, but my heart remains tender tonight. Realizing with each day she is becoming so much more independent. Those days where she relied on me for every little thing were draining, but they were so pure and innocent. Her very sweetest, snuggliest moments are already behind me. Soon she will want just a little space when I try to hold her tight. She will want to walk instead of being carried. And part of the joy of parenting is allowing these moments- knowing your love gave your babies' roots so they could spread their wings. But still I hold onto the baby moments. I relish the nights I have to rock her to sleep and the mornings to eat breakfast with her chattering away.  

There have been so many days in the past year where I have not been the mommy I wanted to be. Where my patience was thin or I was exhausted. Days where I was bogged down beneath 3-k planning, nursery coordinating, paint partying, cross fitting, errand running, and house cleaning, when I would reflect back on my day and know Whitlee (and Craig) did not get the best of me. Today was not that day. Today I was the mommy I dream of being (although we did partake in Moe's Monday and Whitlee may have eaten remnants of my burrito along with fruit as her super healthy supper so I could be that mom). We played in the yard and on the swings.  We danced to Disney songs and sang "The Fruit of the Spirit" on repeat because it makes my girl giggle. We played in the floor and read books. And I can look back on today and know that on this day Whitlee knows I love her beyond measure. She knows that her smiles and laughter make my heart melt. She feels safe. She is happy.

I read an article recently about not having a child-centered family but a Christ-centered family. I agreed with so many points and made note to partake in many of the listed ideals as Whitlee grows. And while I do not want my life

to revolve solely around my child (and have tried to maintain a lifestyle that reflects this belief throughout the year) living a Christ-centered life is being a servant leader. One of the greatest ministry fields a parent has is the home and family. I truly believe that teaching children to love on and serve others comes much more naturally for them

when they know how it feels to be treated the same. 

This entry has rambled around just a bit... But that is how my thoughts seem to be lately- a jumble of emotions and song lyrics and snapshots of the day, reflections of my actions and reactions to what I read. 

But Whitlee, if you read this one day-

I am already so proud of the joy you bring to people and the spunky spirit you entertain us with. This year has been an unbeatable adventure. Mommy loves you so much and cannot wait to see who you become! 

Discontent

Does anyone else feel like social media breeds discontentment?  I mean, really, I have no idea other people's lives are cooler than mine until I start browsing Facebook and Instagram... And Trulia!  I get it. I have a new(ish) baby (yes I realize she is almost one.... I'm just in denial) and a husband, so I can't just flit off to the lake for a girls weekend or meet up for dinner and drinks on a whim- and really, those little occurrences don't bother me... Most of the time.  99% of the time I am perfectly happy with my baby-raising, supper-cooking, crossfitting, hubby-loving, dog-walking, DIY-crafting life.  

I'll tell you where I turn green (with envy, of course)---- in houses, yards, porches, pools, and land.  Seriously- I can hardly stand it. I'll tell you a little more about my oxymoron personality. I could care less if my clothes are wrinkled and honestly don't know where we keep our iron. Seriously- I loathe ironing and it's just going to wrinkle when I get in the car anyways. So I have no hesitation about going out in crumpled shorts. And I rarely bother to put on make up or dry my hair. In fact, most days I don't condition my hair because I'm not even planning on brushing it when I get out of the shower- I just topple it on top of my head in a fashion-less style. I am perfectly comfortable having paint under my nails and up my arms, sweaty gym clothes, and a no make up face when I pick up groceries or have friends for supper. But my house- it has to be PERFECT. I want it cleaned with every item in it's magically organized place. I want my food served on pretty platters, and a little seasonal door candy to greet you. I spend hours moving furniture around, then back; redecorating bookshelves; stripping and painting furniture. I love making a house a home- and it has to be just so. 

I balance this fine line of "I have to get out of my house right now!!!!" and "I'm a spoiled American, there are entire 3rd world villages that would move into my house with gratefulness in their heart".  Oh but Facebook. And Instagram. And Trulia. You pop up with these beautiful #newhome, #projectdreamhouse,  and "newly listed in your area" hashtags and e-mails and all of a sudden my 3-bed, 2-bath, Craftsman home is closing in on me and I can barely breathe from claustrophobia. 

I drool over your 2-story foyers, basements, large yards, and laundry rooms. Oh laundry room, I adore you. I have a laundry closet. CLOSET! Who invented the laundry closet? You are my enemy. Who really wants their washer and dryer in their kitchen? Which leads to being assaulted by baskets of laundry in your kitchen floor? I neatly stack these baskets on top of the the washer/dryer and close my laundry closet and pretend it's not there. Only to walk back into my kitchen 30 minutes later to find the baskets back in the floor and the doors to the awful place wide open, again- mocking me. 

My point is- I drool over all of your new dream home photos, and pore over the house tours Trulia so kindly sends my way. Suddenly I can't live without more. More than I have. More than I need. 

It seems harmless- at least I am prepared for that coming time when we buy or build, right? Not exactly- what's really happening is I am forgetting to be thankful and grateful for what I have. 

I remember the first Christmas that wasn't quite so magical anymore (you know, that one where you know how Santa got those presents under your tree?) and my brothers being less than grateful that some of their loot just happened to be clothes. I was so upset that my parents feelings were going to be hurt by the ungratefulness.  But isn't it the same thing I'm doing when I complain about what I have? God has blessed me so much beyond what I could have thought to ask. And each time I complain about what I don't have I'm FORGETTING to be thankful that God has given me exactly what He knows I need (and, frankly, do not deserve). 

Response to "Why I Don't Make My Son Share"

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" 
Mark 10:45

Several weeks ago I read the blog "Why I Don't Make My Son Share" and it has not set well with me. For weeks I have rolled it around in my head--- weighing the pros and cons of this practice.  But I'm going to be honest--- it's a little absurd.  Teaching someone to share does not mean laying down and rolling over and becoming completely submissive.  It's not about teaching your child to be weak. It's about teaching your child to have a servant's heart; to put the thoughts, needs, desires of others before your own.  Because, trust me, that's how the real world works.  

Moms you have all experienced this- going without sleep, showers, and meals to get your kids taken care of.  Wearing your old, hole-adorned, worn out shoes to the gym because new tennis shoes are not in the budget this month... perhaps they could be: "Sorry honey- I'm not gonna share MY money with you this month so I'll be buying new shoes and you will go without diapers."  And how many times have you had a neighbor call asking to borrow tools, food, diapers...Yep- even as adults we still have to share.

Because I know you are rolling your eyes and wondering what qualifies me to draw these conclusions- let me state my credentials.  I am a former special ed teacher, a current 3-K teacher, and the coordinator for our church nursery (which often puts me in the nursery with the little ones who don't really feel like sharing).  So I have a lot of experience with choosing to make or not make little ones share. 

Here is the thing--- if a toy belongs to a child, no, they should not have to give it away--- but please do not send it to school or church with them if they are going to refuse to share with the other kids.  Their teachers will thank you.  Most toys at church and school are purchased with the thought, "my students will all play with these toys", not "Ryker will get to play with this dinosaur and AJ will get to use this color playdough".  There are situations where specific kids become very attached to particular toys, and yes, I do think they should get the opportunity to play with said toy frequently, but not to hoard it.  "Hey Melody you've had the purple doll for a long time, why don't you pick a new toy and let Thomas play with this one?" is a perfectly acceptable request of a child.  It is not teaching him/her to weakly lose a battle- it teaches them kindness, patience, and turn-taking.  Real-world, authentic, necessary skills.  Not to mention your child may find a new toy or activity they love and would not have experienced had they been allowed to play with the same purple doll day in and day out.

And you know- it's not a black or white issue.  The decision of when/how to enforce sharing is subjective.  Sometimes there are children (just like crazy ex-girlfriends) who simply want what they can't have.  You can nip it in the bud pretty fast and it typically happens as soon as a child picks up a toy, the other goes into an auto-tantrum of "BUT I WANTED THAT TOY..." Sorry darlin'- maybe next free play. 

We live in a society of entitled children.  Children who yell at their parents for bringing cupcakes to school instead of cookies.  Children who make good decisions or grades and believe their parents owe them movies, vehicles, and iPads.  And now we are trying to teach our children to be selfish?  I'm sorry, I'm not buying it. 

Mother of the Year

Big Announcement here, folks. HUGE! (ya'll are all hearing Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman right now aren't you????)

I am....  MOTHER OF THE YEAR!!!!!

As I write this it is 8:30 and I'm waiting on my oil to heat so I can make salmon patties and sweet potato fries.  Which will be my daughter's supper... maybe- can you give a 10 month old salmon???? Maybe she will eat turkey.  And while I'm doing this my husband is icing his bruised head and watching some Will Ferell movie. What's my Little Miss doing? Is she engaged in one of those 589753248320 Pinterest "instead of watching tv" sensory activities I painstakingly seek out? Nope---- she's watching the inappropriate Will Ferrell movie with her dad; one pigtail in, one pigtail out. At least they are bonding. 

The more I talk to mommy-friends the more I realize I am a really bad mom... at least an oxymoron mom.  I let my girl watch Sid the Science Kid, but don't you dare let her watch a non-education cartoon. I feed my daughter only organic foods but I (gasp) allow most vaccinations (believe it or not I trust my pediatrician and really think they have our best interest in mind).  We read a lot and stimulate our brains with music daily... right now we are reading The Paris Wife and listening to the newest NeedtoBreathe album. 

While I was pregnant my sister-in-law (a textbook mom) loaded me up on "How to be a mom"-ature: Baby-Wise, What to Expect, Big Book of Baby Savings, Happiest Baby on the Block, and the list goes on.  I read them- I was all about them. And then- I became a mom and realized I STINK at all of those.  
When I was a teacher my classroom ran like a machine- we had Morning Meeting at the same time every day, centers rotated every 15 minutes, we lined up for lunch at the exact same time each day... but at home my life was always much more lax. Apparently my parenting is the same way.  

Little Miss has NEVER had a set bed-time... or nap-time.... or meal time.  It only took 9 1/2 months to get her into her own bed (as in I wouldn't put her there because I like to check on her breathing every few minutes during the night), but you're crazy if you think I try to rock that back to sleep in the middle of the night.  No- I just carry her back to our room--- and if she's not ready for sleep I do what all MOTY's do. I turn on cartoons, sit her between the hubby and I, and go back to sleep.  Don't worry though!!! I am adamant that she ONLY watch educational cartoons (ask the hubs- I mean business, people).  Occasionally I break down and turn on the Disney channel, but really prefer GPTV.  And sometimes, she isn't even in our home for naptime or bedtime.  We may be at a friend's house, or the pool, or the gym, or the drive-in movie.  That's okay- I always make sure I can make her a pallet in case she gets tired. 

Don't get me wrong.  I don't expect my baby girl to watch tv or sleep all the time.  At the beach we experimented with eating sand and mud (it's organic), and used our auditory and tactile senses to take our daily naps on the beach.  Little Miss loves to fingerpaint while Mommy is working on orders.  I try to keep non-toxic Crayola on hand, but applesauce works pretty well, too.  And we exercise.  We go to Crossfit most days.  Little Miss is learning to motivate her friends by clapping and squealing.  Most days she is content to ride in her stroller while we run sprints or just sit in her stroller and watch us.  But then there are days like today when she has just had enough and the stroller isn't cutting it.  So I sit her on the shiny, clean, soft gym floor beside me while I do push-ups and then snuggle her really close to my dry, clean, nice-smelling body and hold her while I do squats (please insert antonyms for every adjective in this sentence).          

But guess what, people??? Little Miss is HAPPY (like--- all the time).  And she is healthy.  And she is thriving.  I'm not saying I am getting it right.  I know for a fact that I'm not and so many more people do it 100 times better than I do.  What I am saying is it's ok.  It's ok that sometimes you do things with/to/for your child that you are embarrassed to share with anyone because our society is so quick to judge (and go viral on social media).  So to all you sweet mommies out there with no grace for yourselves... all of you that think you just can't get it right and you are ROYALLY screwing up your child.  STOP WORRYING!!!!! And remember there are MOTY's out there like myself that are doing it totally backwards and my kiddo is PERFECTION

My perfect child eating supper naked with

one pigtail standing at 9:30.

And proof I didn't feed her salmon!!!!

.

Legacy

Since the birth of my baby girl I have learned that motherhood is everything I expected, and nothing I expected all at once.

 It was the end of the "me" I have always known. It was the end of fun jewelry. It was the end of deep sleeping. It was the end of pre-pregnancy clothes (for a while at least). It was the end of eating supper in peace and having a clean house. It was the end of being on time... Ever!!!!!

 But it was the beginning of being a hero to one little girl. It was the beginning of a little best buddy. It was the beginning of raspberry kisses, and afternoons on quilts in the sun, a personal crossfit cheerleader, and a breakfast chatterbox. It was the beginning of gummy grins and crocodile tears only I can fix.  It was the beginning of bedtime stories and bathtub splashes, midnight snuggles and sprouts! 

And still, 9 months and 6 days later --I look at my sweet Whit every day and my heart wants to burst wide open- I love her that much! And every single time I think, "there is just no way my parents could have loved me this much". But they did! Talk about being humbled. And not only do my parents love me this much- my grandparents do too. And now they all love Whitlee that much! Talk about a long line of love! 

I am thankful for each of the mom's in my life that have shaped me, I was lucky enough to know all but one of my great-grandmothers and spend ample amount of time with my Mimi and Nana growing up. Each of them played a huge role in shaping who I am today. Mimi was a list maker-check check. Nana was creative- check check. Mimi loved to read- check check. Nana loved to be outside- check check.... The list of traits I see handed down is endless. 

And then there is my mom.... The person I call/text almost daily since becoming a mommy to ask questions. The one I frequently have talk me through cooking veggies (the good way- that you don't find in a cookbook). The one who takes my daughter at night when we visit so I can sleep all night, deeply, without hearing each little stir Whit makes. She's a teacher-check check; a crafter- check, check; a cook- check check; a lover of suspenseful tv (SVU/Criminal Minds)- check, check; a believer in pj days every now and then- check, check...

So many of the traditions I have started with Whitlee, the songs I sing, faces I make, clothes I dress her in are a result of these 3 ladies! For them I am ever grateful that God saw fit to let me learn from their love. 

And then there is my Mother-in-Law.  She is a proud Grandma to her first granddaughter and the amazing mom to a wonderful man. I'm not sure what her magic trick is but the day we bring home a son, she will be our indispensable source of knowledge. She raised a selfless, loving man that remains even-keeled and unruffled ALWAYS! A man that can't wait to snuggle his baby girl in the afternoons and proudly shows her off. A man that makes it possible for me to focus on raising our little girl. He makes Motherhood work! 

Lips sealed

It seems I've lost my words. Can postpartum steal your creativity? I feel like mine is struggling. Hopefully my words will return soon and I'll blog again. 

Babies Don't Keep.

I have orders to finish, a house to clean, kuts to make (22 to be exact), a shower to decorate for.... But today the Princess wants to sleep in my arms. I should be frustrated and stressed by the hiccup in my plans for today- but I'm not. I love these little moments. As my girl changes and grows each day I know these moments will become fewer and fewer, before becoming non-existent. If only I could keep her little but then what would I miss? 

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. 

I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep. 

14 days of LoooooOOOOOOVE!

When Craig and I began dating a coworker told me about her daughter doing the 14 Days of Valentines for her hubby. And because I may (just a little bit) go overboard for ALL holidays I decided I was going to do the same for Craig. I try my best to come up with new things each year (thank you, God, for Pinterest) and I try to keep the cost low because 14 niceties can get $$$$. 

The bad news is- if you really like nice, fancy, material gifts--- this is NOT the thing for you. Craig doesn't really get a "big" gift on Valentine's, although I DO try to sprinkle a few actual store-bought gifts in with all the homemade ones. The good news is--- for 14 days Craig knows that I have intentionally done something JUST for him, which is really what it's all about. I'm big on thoughtfulness. I want to be thought of... And I try to think of others. 

This year was a little tougher than others between polar vortex, winter storm Pax, and a baby.... But I made it through! And ended up with some of my very favorite "gifts"- It'll be a tough year to top! 

1- beer bouquet for Craig's golf trip with his college buddies 

2- 31 days of prayer (2nd all time favorite gift). I got this idea from a lifestyle blog (I will link up when I get to a computer) and knew immediately I wanted to do it. Of course I pray for Craig every day but the idea of praying specifically for different aspects of his character,  aspects of our marriage, career success, etc. was highly appealing. I especially loved that each prayer has scripture attached to it so I know these are biblical characteristics of a husband that I am encouraging. I wrote each prayer on an index card so I can just flip through. I let Craig read through each of them, but the tangible part of this gift stays on my nightstand. 

3-chicken, spinach lasagna with egg & tomato salad. I know it seems like nothing special... But a meal Craig loves- on a day I would have preferred to grab takeout or heat up leftovers. And sometimes that's just what it's about. That whole Dying to self thing. 

4- Butterfinger dessert- again it wasn't much out of the ordinary but I rarely make things with chocolate because I don't like chocolate. Craig saw this on facebook a while back and requested it so I stuck it on the list. 

5- Homemade pizza. There is little in life my husband loves more than homemade pizza. I don't make it often but Craig sure does love it when I do. 

6- "open when" cards. True to most bloggers (I would assume)- I'm a big words person. My husband is not. But I love words. And affirmation. And I'll say it to your face, but would much prefer to immortalize those thoughts on paper so you can read them... And read them again... And one more Time... Whenever you need to hear them. So I wrote Craig a selection of cards to open "when you feel lonely", "when you're happy", "when I'm mad at you", "when you don't feel valued", etc. And these are actually a work in progress. I keep thinking of new "when's" to add to the list. 

7- warm up! These are a necessity when your hubby spends his whole life as a coach. It helps that he looks pretty cute in them, too. And I love how he can't wait to don his new duds (usually the next day). 

8- GLOVES!!!! During Snowpocalypse I heard all about how he "used to have warerproof gloves" but couldn't find them . And of course. This affected our ability to play in the snow. But I found some great ones that he loves so much I had to go buy him another pair:) 

-PS- I found the old ones in our suitcase today. 

9- Journal- this is my all time favorite gift I've ever given Craig!!!!! Because it's a gift for me, too! Remember- I'm a words girl.... Craig is not a words boy. And oftentimes I would have to remind him that I really wanted a card, letter, email, text.... So I bought this gorgeous, leather journal and wrote him a letter and left it on his pillow... To write me back a letter. I have high hopes for this journal. A memoir of us:) 

10- organic suckers (he loves them. Gets SO excited about them. I did good that day). 

***please note PAX came to visit here so the remainder of gifts had to be made

Out of things I happened to have at the house... Which all involved food***

11- was supposed to be a sled! I went a week earlier to buy one just to have since we tried to sled with an exersaucer  box during Snowpocalypse. But Whit was sleeping and I thought I would go back next time I was in town... Which happened to be the day before PAX. Not once did it dawn on me that people would be out buying sleds with an ensuing snowstorm. Probably because I thought there was no way in a million years it would snow twice in a year! So maybe he will get a sled next year. But for day 11 I improvised with haystacks. Again- Craig loves them and I was his hero for making them! 

12- No sooner had I woken up than Craig said, "why don't you make thumbprint cookies today?". HAPPY 12th DAY OF VALENTINE'S! He even shared a few with our sweet, neighbor and went and had a long visit with her. She is a widow, with no children, and aging... So she hadn't left the house or seen another human in 48 hours. She loved their visit. Yeah- my husband's a special man. 

13- hooked on you!!! Craig loves fishing... So this was a hit. 

14- we are on the road to Tifton so Valentine's Day is taking a backseat. I wanted to incorporate that into his main gift so he got a bag of travel goodies (gum, trail mix, great harvest cookies) and a massage gift card because sitting in a car all weekend can really make you tense!!! 

This turned into a book! Thanks for keeping me company on our loooo--oooo--ng drive:) 

Happy Love Day! 

Intentional Marriage

Intentional Parenting is a bit of a catch-phrase these days.  And it's a great thing.  I make an effort to be intentional with Whit because I don't want these days to pass us by.  It would be easy for it to happen with the constant barrage of laundry, diapers, baths, supper to cook, den to pick up, bottles to wash, repeat... not to mention running errands, *trying* to make it to Crossfit, painting, sleeping (what's that???).

I'm not complaining- it's just easy to let those moments consume my life especially since my Whittle-bit is such an EASY baby.  She just smiles and chatters wherever you put her. But I don't want to just watch her from afar while I work... and I'm not the greatest at following a strict schedule (seriously, Baby Center mom's that have their WHOLE day scheduled in 30-minute increments down to when they hold their baby???), but I want to be intentional. So I plan projects- we go to Atlanta to make pottery with Whit's hands and feet, or use her thumbs to make Valentine cards. We name every body part during bath time and we get down in the floor together with her toys at least twice a day even for just 5 minutes, read books, "chatter" while I cook supper.... but guess what's getting lost now???? Oh that's right- my marriage.

Craig was off work 3 1/2 days last week thanks to the Snowpocalypse and I LOVED it!!!! I love having Craig home.... my house is a little messier but it's worth it to have my little family all here.  And on Friday, as we were looking at a VERY BUSY but separate weekend, I was so sad. I realized that while we had all been home together we had spent very little time as a family. Tuesday we watched the news and went outside to take pictures of our sweet angel in the snow. Wednesday I played with Whit while Craig sketched, he watched Whit while I cooked... we got together for a quick minute to have a mini photo session of Whitlee. I built a snowman. Craig tried to sled. We were passing parenting duty off while the other worked/showered/crafted/relaxed. We brushed shoulders as we worked around the house on our respective tasks. But we weren't together.  And I realized we are working so hard to love our little girl, provide for our family, pray, go to church, clean our house, care for our dogs, teach tennis and teach art that we are letting these days of our marriage pass by.

What we forget is we have only been married 16 months... That's it. We are still newly weds- a lot has changed, our family dynamics have done a 180- but we should still be starry-eyed lovers.  And we are. But those starry-eyes are directed at our adorable, chubby-cheeked, dimpled smile, baby girl.  So during my quick 7:00 pm Publix trip to prep for the 14 Days of Valentine's (more on that later), I decided we would make Friday night date night. So I grabbed stuff for home-made Chinese and came barreling in the door hollering about putting the leftovers back in the fridge, WE were cooking.  It was nothing fancy--- just egg fried rice, baked veggie egg rolls, and sesame chicken--- but we did it all side by side. Most of our interaction was simply me explaining the next step in stuffing and rolling egg rolls, or how to cook the chicken... but we were talking to each other and it WAS NOT "Have you...?", "Has Whitlee...", "Should I..."

An intentional marriage is a lot like intentional parenting. It's not much different than what we were already doing, we are just doing it now with the mindset of "Is this quality?". I simply made the decision to look at the person in front of me and say "I want to experience life WITH him, not experience MY life parallel to HIS life."

Thunder Thighs...

Twice in a month--- WHOO HOO!!!

So- I need to rant a little.

Thursday I was sitting in the dentist office and an acquaintance came up asking to see recent pictures of Whitlee.  As any proud mommy does, I whipped out my wallet and iPhone to show off my little beauty. And this was the response I got... "She's precious--- check out those THUNDER thighs".

My heart sank, immediately.  My gorgeous girl is 5 months old. 5 MONTHS!!!! And it has started already.  Yes, I admit, she is healthy. She eats her rice cereal, drinks her milk, and loves her veggies.  And true to her heritage, she has chubby thighs.  She's a baby, they could be gone in a few weeks. Who knows?! But my heart sank.

For years I have listened to the women in my family fuss about their thunder thighs, height, hips, stomach, double chins... and the list goes on. We are women- and at some point in life we were told it wasn't okay to say "I like my...", instead we are bred to say "I look awful and I hate my ...". And I am first on the list to fuss about my...everything.

Just tonight, at the END of Crossfit, (after 30 of my friends had busted it on a Friday WOD instead of lounging on the couch, going out to dinner, Netflix-ing, whatever) after we have squatted, pressed, rowed, and done an insane amount of double-unders, we stood around talking about all the body parts we hated, why we hated them, and how we were going to have them surgically altered.  HELLOOOO???!!! We are Crossfitters--- do you know how many people come to Crossfit and can't hang? We are strong--- yeah we have thunder thighs and broad shoulders---- we front squat 115 on our first WOD back from having a baby.... and 165 (or more... I'll have to check with that squatter- it was NOT me) on the first WOD back from surgery and 6 weeks off.  Yeah we have broad shoulders- we do handstand push-ups and strict pull-ups (well, banded pull-ups for me).  So maybe there is meat on our bones... maybe we wear expensive leggings to suck us in while we squat... but we are strong. Stronger than most.

My heart breaks. This is the future I am setting my daughter up for.  Before she was born I told my husband and my Best that I would NEVER talk down about my own body or any other woman's body in front of Whitlee.  I would tell her she was beautiful every single day regardless of her physical beauty.  I will not hound her about what she eats or her activity level but instead try to breed in her a health-conscious lifestyle. But every day since she was born I look in the mirror in disgust (okay- I did that while I was pregnant, too... but I mostly just avoided mirrors and cameras during those days).  Despite knowing what my body created I see failure.  Since I've been back at the Box after baby  I FEEL failure because I can do a whopping 1-2 strict pull-ups, and I can only do 16" box jumps and they freak me out all over again.  And every day when I get up I put on sweats and put my hair in a pony tail and say OUT LOUD "nothing I can do to fix this" so I just don't try.

And do you know what happens when someone has the audacity to say, "great job on that WOD"? I respond with, "I did awful, I'm nowhere near where I was before I got pregnant." Uhhhhh- you think? For the last year I did modified or scaled WOD's because, you know, I was growing a baby- and then birthing a baby- and then recovering/learning to parent said baby. Why do I think I need to be where I was?
Don't even bother telling me I look nice because I will shove those words right back down your throat. After having Whitlee people would say, " You look great! I can't believe you just had a baby" and I would respond, "I'm still in maternity jeans". Or yesterday when a friend came to watch Whitlee so I could go to my afore mentioned dentist appointment and  said, " You look so pretty" (Yes, folks, I dried my hair, AND put on make-up, AND put on real clothes- impressive, I know) and  I lamented, "oh my gosh--- I can't do anything with my hair,  it's awful".

WHYYYYYY, ladies?! Please don't think I am criticizing anyone! I am at the top of the guilty list for every one of these incidents.  I know that if my mindset does not change, my poor Whitlee will see her own body in the same negative light that I see mine.

You know what's really crazy? To me, every one of my friends regardless of size, strength, or shape are phenomenally beautiful.  Despite what the world may see, I see only positive things when I view my friends. She does her make-up so well, her personality is infectious, that woman's smile lights up her whole face, she always has the CUTEST outfits. Those are the things I think when I look at my friends. What I don't see are "thunder thighs", muffin tops, and double chins.

I vow to do better. I HAVE to do better. Whitlee needs to know that beauty is found in every person- in the way they carry themselves, and make others laugh, and wear clothes/nails/jewelry that accentuate their personality. I want Whitlee to understand that beauty is found in STRENGTH!  Strength to use your thunder thighs to squat, run, jump, and push wheel chairs. Strength to stand up for yourself. Strength to know that your physical appearance is not a defining factor in your life. Strength to compliment others instead of tearing each other down.

My goals in raising my daughter are to abstain from saying negative things about myself as well as other women, and rephrase how I say positive things.  I don't want Whitlee to associate beauty with a specific body-type (i.e. "Oh she's so pretty... so tall and thin"), because Whit will probably not have that long, lithe body- she will probably be more on the petite side.  I want to retrain myself to NOT say things like, "Wow- she's really gained weight" or "She looks great SINCE she lost all that weight". Instead I want to say, "She looks great" PERIOD.  I want to lift other women up so Whitlee learns to lift up and encourage as well; and hopefully be encouraged herself.

I want Whitlee to be proud of her thunder thighs that bear weight at 5 months and seem to want to carry her off if only she could get that balance thing down. Proud of those thunder thighs that will let her play in the yard with the dogs. Proud of her thunder thighs that she can one day use to push wheel chairs and play tennis with Daddy. Proud of her thunder thighs that can run races and ride bikes (if she feels like it). Proud of her thunder thighs that will one day bounce her own babies.

Okay- rant over. I know the thunder thighs comment was not meant to spur such a reaction in me... it was just a phrase that hit a little too close to home. And it's a phrase that could haunt Whitlee for the rest of her life if I don't get a handle on how I portray body image to my daughter.


"It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from within you- the beauty of a sweet spirit that will never be destroyed and is very precious to God."
1 Peter 3:3-4

~This Messy Mama

Transparent

So- I just opened up my Blogger App and realized 1- I quit posting after Day 6 of Thanksgiving. And 2- I never posted my last 2 blogs.  But I miss blogging so here is to a fresh start in 2014 since I took almost all of 2013 off!! 

I'm going to get really transparent about the last year--- especially the last 2 months--- of my life. Because people don't get transparent very often... and maybe you are up at 1 a.m. because you need these words. 

I have, quite possibly, never been happier than I was when I went to sleep on August 5 (actually I'm not sure I slept that whole night.... And I know I hadn't slept the night before, so maybe I was just delirious!!!). My husband and I had just welcomed out precious princess into the world a few hours before, most of our family was there to share it with, and I was no longer pregnant!!!!!!

Sidebar- I despised pregnancy. Yes, I know those words should never come out of a mom's mouth.  I WANTED to love it. I always thought I would. I prayed that it would be more enchanting for me--- But it just wasn't. I was sick the majority of my pregnancy, had more scares than I can stand to recall (which made bonding with the idea of a baby, or being excited at all, really hard until about 20 weeks in), was beyond exhausted, could not do things I loved to the maximum (like crossfit or teaching), had no desire whatsoever to craft, could not cook (or eat).... At one point my husband looked at me and said, " What happened to my wife?"  When you are 6 months pregnant and 7 months married those 5 words were pretty devastating. I didn't know what happened to me either! I wanted to be excited about our baby... I wanted to be a good wife... I wanted to feel like me. But actually, I felt numb. I knew that I loved my child... But that love terrified me because I was afraid I would

Never meet her. I was afraid that I would always be this numb, unmotivated, tired person I had become. 

So anyways- on August 5 I went to sleep happy. I sat up in bed several times during the night just to look at that little

Dark haired, dark skinned baby and marvel that she was mine.... And will her to wake up so we could snuggle. And for the next 12 weeks life just bee bopped right along. At 6 weeks I went back to crossfit, at 8 weeks we decided I would start a fun, krafty side business, at 10 weeks we decided I would become a stay at home mommy.... And at 12 weeks- I hit a wall. 

Between 8-12 weeks working moms go back to work and the post partum phase of life is past. You no longer have a newborn- you have an infant. You are supposed to magically get out the door in with everything the baby and you need in record time each day. You should be back in your normal clothes, back in normal routine, back to Rx Crossfit WODs.... Only I wasn't. 

It still took me 3 hours just to feed Whitlee, feed myself, bathe Whitlee, change her, and feed her again.... before we could walk out the door. My house was a wreck. I was still in maternity jeans. I couldn't do pull ups or toes to bar or double unders or box jumps at Crossfit. And I hit a wall.  I left a partner WOD defeated, and in tears... And I was lost- again. 

The holidays were approaching. I was up to my eyeballs in paint parties and private

orders for Kreative Whim... And I had a gorgeous little girl.... So I had to keep going but inside I was lost again. For days at a time I would not leave my house, even for the mailbox, except for Kreative Whim events. I didn't hear from friends and I didn't try to get in touch with them, either. I was in an endless routine of working to feed and bathe my child, clean my house, feed my husband, feed myself, possibly bathe, cut wood, paint, repeat. I was by myself all the time but never doing anything for myself. 

And again I wondered what happened to me? Who was I? And then I read a great

blog about choosing one word as your goal for this year, kind of like a resolution.  But rather than giving myself tasks to complete, I would be trying to improve my life by practicing this word. Originally I thought Grace.... We all need Grace, right? But then I realized what I really needed was JOY! To be joyful. 2013 was joy-filled yet... I struggled to feel that joy all the way down deep into my heart. It just kind of halted there (I.e. After 6 days of being thankful I just couldn't blog

About it anymore. Because as much as I knew my blessing were abundant, they just seemed hollow). 

So JOY is my word for 2014... And while I have already failed miserably this week in seeking joy and experiencing joy on several occasions... I can already feel a huge difference in my heart. I have a long way to go. The last 3 years have been full of life changes for me... And maybe somewhere on there I never really had time to experience each change before the next one hit... and maybe I got a little overwhelmed. Maybe I have the oddest case of baby blues ever (pre-partum and post-post partum). Or maybe Satan is using all of these blessings in my life and trying to twist them so they can steal my JOY. I'm really just not sure but spiritual warfare does seem to be hovering... What I DO know is that I am consciously choosing to be JOY-FILLED this year. 

1 Thes 5:16- always be full of joy. 

Psalm 66:1- Shout to joy for God, all the Earth. 

John 15:11- I have told you these things that my Joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. 

Disclaimer:

At no point in my pre-partum or

Post-post partum days did I question how much I loved my daughter or my

Husband. Whitlee is such a bright spot

In even my darkest days. And those days upon days I would spend hermit-ed

In my home were still full of laughter and love and playing. When I did feel joy deep inside It was because of my family and because of the hope I knew my God offered to me. 

6th day of Thankfulnwss

Very thankful that God blessed both Craig and I with little talents that allow us to supplement our income (and for me to stay home with my angel!) 

6 weeks ago my Best reminded me (again) that I should do more crafting for people and maybe try to host a few parties fostering creativity in others. And with some prayer and some chats with my ever-supportive husband, Kreative Whim was born! 

So here we are 6 weeks later with a full November calendar. A growing December calendar, and a great way to meet new people and make a little $$$ to pay for my daughter's wardrobe!  

In no way can I take credit for the success of Kreative Whim. I am simply using the talents that my God gave me to share with you. And the glory is all His! 

He provides exactly the amount of work each week that I need and can handle with an infant and husband to care for! I find myself sometimes frustrated because this or that"great idea" for KW didn't pan out as I had hoped. But then I remember that God's the one making this happen... And he sees when it is too much, or when Whitlee will need more attention long before I do. He is helping me keep my family a priority while still letting me have a "purpose" and project to help support my little family. So very blessed! 

Day 5.... 3 months since AUGUST 5

Well--- I'm that mom... The one that is going to write her 3rd post of thankfulness for the same thing in 5 days!

I am thankful for other things in my life- big and small- but I can't stop being thankful for my baby girl. And today she is 3 months old! 

I am so thankful she made her debut 3 months ago! And I'm so thankful we have  SURVIVED the last 3 months. My husband has been such an incredible partner on this journey and I have no idea how I could have made it without him! 

And I am thankful for Whitlee's grandparents. They are ready to step in at a moments notice to baby sit, care for me when I'm sick, stay up with W so Mommy and Daddy can sleep, and love my daughter. It truly takes a village (or a family) to raise a child.