Thunder Thighs...

Twice in a month--- WHOO HOO!!!

So- I need to rant a little.

Thursday I was sitting in the dentist office and an acquaintance came up asking to see recent pictures of Whitlee.  As any proud mommy does, I whipped out my wallet and iPhone to show off my little beauty. And this was the response I got... "She's precious--- check out those THUNDER thighs".

My heart sank, immediately.  My gorgeous girl is 5 months old. 5 MONTHS!!!! And it has started already.  Yes, I admit, she is healthy. She eats her rice cereal, drinks her milk, and loves her veggies.  And true to her heritage, she has chubby thighs.  She's a baby, they could be gone in a few weeks. Who knows?! But my heart sank.

For years I have listened to the women in my family fuss about their thunder thighs, height, hips, stomach, double chins... and the list goes on. We are women- and at some point in life we were told it wasn't okay to say "I like my...", instead we are bred to say "I look awful and I hate my ...". And I am first on the list to fuss about my...everything.

Just tonight, at the END of Crossfit, (after 30 of my friends had busted it on a Friday WOD instead of lounging on the couch, going out to dinner, Netflix-ing, whatever) after we have squatted, pressed, rowed, and done an insane amount of double-unders, we stood around talking about all the body parts we hated, why we hated them, and how we were going to have them surgically altered.  HELLOOOO???!!! We are Crossfitters--- do you know how many people come to Crossfit and can't hang? We are strong--- yeah we have thunder thighs and broad shoulders---- we front squat 115 on our first WOD back from having a baby.... and 165 (or more... I'll have to check with that squatter- it was NOT me) on the first WOD back from surgery and 6 weeks off.  Yeah we have broad shoulders- we do handstand push-ups and strict pull-ups (well, banded pull-ups for me).  So maybe there is meat on our bones... maybe we wear expensive leggings to suck us in while we squat... but we are strong. Stronger than most.

My heart breaks. This is the future I am setting my daughter up for.  Before she was born I told my husband and my Best that I would NEVER talk down about my own body or any other woman's body in front of Whitlee.  I would tell her she was beautiful every single day regardless of her physical beauty.  I will not hound her about what she eats or her activity level but instead try to breed in her a health-conscious lifestyle. But every day since she was born I look in the mirror in disgust (okay- I did that while I was pregnant, too... but I mostly just avoided mirrors and cameras during those days).  Despite knowing what my body created I see failure.  Since I've been back at the Box after baby  I FEEL failure because I can do a whopping 1-2 strict pull-ups, and I can only do 16" box jumps and they freak me out all over again.  And every day when I get up I put on sweats and put my hair in a pony tail and say OUT LOUD "nothing I can do to fix this" so I just don't try.

And do you know what happens when someone has the audacity to say, "great job on that WOD"? I respond with, "I did awful, I'm nowhere near where I was before I got pregnant." Uhhhhh- you think? For the last year I did modified or scaled WOD's because, you know, I was growing a baby- and then birthing a baby- and then recovering/learning to parent said baby. Why do I think I need to be where I was?
Don't even bother telling me I look nice because I will shove those words right back down your throat. After having Whitlee people would say, " You look great! I can't believe you just had a baby" and I would respond, "I'm still in maternity jeans". Or yesterday when a friend came to watch Whitlee so I could go to my afore mentioned dentist appointment and  said, " You look so pretty" (Yes, folks, I dried my hair, AND put on make-up, AND put on real clothes- impressive, I know) and  I lamented, "oh my gosh--- I can't do anything with my hair,  it's awful".

WHYYYYYY, ladies?! Please don't think I am criticizing anyone! I am at the top of the guilty list for every one of these incidents.  I know that if my mindset does not change, my poor Whitlee will see her own body in the same negative light that I see mine.

You know what's really crazy? To me, every one of my friends regardless of size, strength, or shape are phenomenally beautiful.  Despite what the world may see, I see only positive things when I view my friends. She does her make-up so well, her personality is infectious, that woman's smile lights up her whole face, she always has the CUTEST outfits. Those are the things I think when I look at my friends. What I don't see are "thunder thighs", muffin tops, and double chins.

I vow to do better. I HAVE to do better. Whitlee needs to know that beauty is found in every person- in the way they carry themselves, and make others laugh, and wear clothes/nails/jewelry that accentuate their personality. I want Whitlee to understand that beauty is found in STRENGTH!  Strength to use your thunder thighs to squat, run, jump, and push wheel chairs. Strength to stand up for yourself. Strength to know that your physical appearance is not a defining factor in your life. Strength to compliment others instead of tearing each other down.

My goals in raising my daughter are to abstain from saying negative things about myself as well as other women, and rephrase how I say positive things.  I don't want Whitlee to associate beauty with a specific body-type (i.e. "Oh she's so pretty... so tall and thin"), because Whit will probably not have that long, lithe body- she will probably be more on the petite side.  I want to retrain myself to NOT say things like, "Wow- she's really gained weight" or "She looks great SINCE she lost all that weight". Instead I want to say, "She looks great" PERIOD.  I want to lift other women up so Whitlee learns to lift up and encourage as well; and hopefully be encouraged herself.

I want Whitlee to be proud of her thunder thighs that bear weight at 5 months and seem to want to carry her off if only she could get that balance thing down. Proud of those thunder thighs that will let her play in the yard with the dogs. Proud of her thunder thighs that she can one day use to push wheel chairs and play tennis with Daddy. Proud of her thunder thighs that can run races and ride bikes (if she feels like it). Proud of her thunder thighs that will one day bounce her own babies.

Okay- rant over. I know the thunder thighs comment was not meant to spur such a reaction in me... it was just a phrase that hit a little too close to home. And it's a phrase that could haunt Whitlee for the rest of her life if I don't get a handle on how I portray body image to my daughter.


"It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from within you- the beauty of a sweet spirit that will never be destroyed and is very precious to God."
1 Peter 3:3-4

~This Messy Mama

Transparent

So- I just opened up my Blogger App and realized 1- I quit posting after Day 6 of Thanksgiving. And 2- I never posted my last 2 blogs.  But I miss blogging so here is to a fresh start in 2014 since I took almost all of 2013 off!! 

I'm going to get really transparent about the last year--- especially the last 2 months--- of my life. Because people don't get transparent very often... and maybe you are up at 1 a.m. because you need these words. 

I have, quite possibly, never been happier than I was when I went to sleep on August 5 (actually I'm not sure I slept that whole night.... And I know I hadn't slept the night before, so maybe I was just delirious!!!). My husband and I had just welcomed out precious princess into the world a few hours before, most of our family was there to share it with, and I was no longer pregnant!!!!!!

Sidebar- I despised pregnancy. Yes, I know those words should never come out of a mom's mouth.  I WANTED to love it. I always thought I would. I prayed that it would be more enchanting for me--- But it just wasn't. I was sick the majority of my pregnancy, had more scares than I can stand to recall (which made bonding with the idea of a baby, or being excited at all, really hard until about 20 weeks in), was beyond exhausted, could not do things I loved to the maximum (like crossfit or teaching), had no desire whatsoever to craft, could not cook (or eat).... At one point my husband looked at me and said, " What happened to my wife?"  When you are 6 months pregnant and 7 months married those 5 words were pretty devastating. I didn't know what happened to me either! I wanted to be excited about our baby... I wanted to be a good wife... I wanted to feel like me. But actually, I felt numb. I knew that I loved my child... But that love terrified me because I was afraid I would

Never meet her. I was afraid that I would always be this numb, unmotivated, tired person I had become. 

So anyways- on August 5 I went to sleep happy. I sat up in bed several times during the night just to look at that little

Dark haired, dark skinned baby and marvel that she was mine.... And will her to wake up so we could snuggle. And for the next 12 weeks life just bee bopped right along. At 6 weeks I went back to crossfit, at 8 weeks we decided I would start a fun, krafty side business, at 10 weeks we decided I would become a stay at home mommy.... And at 12 weeks- I hit a wall. 

Between 8-12 weeks working moms go back to work and the post partum phase of life is past. You no longer have a newborn- you have an infant. You are supposed to magically get out the door in with everything the baby and you need in record time each day. You should be back in your normal clothes, back in normal routine, back to Rx Crossfit WODs.... Only I wasn't. 

It still took me 3 hours just to feed Whitlee, feed myself, bathe Whitlee, change her, and feed her again.... before we could walk out the door. My house was a wreck. I was still in maternity jeans. I couldn't do pull ups or toes to bar or double unders or box jumps at Crossfit. And I hit a wall.  I left a partner WOD defeated, and in tears... And I was lost- again. 

The holidays were approaching. I was up to my eyeballs in paint parties and private

orders for Kreative Whim... And I had a gorgeous little girl.... So I had to keep going but inside I was lost again. For days at a time I would not leave my house, even for the mailbox, except for Kreative Whim events. I didn't hear from friends and I didn't try to get in touch with them, either. I was in an endless routine of working to feed and bathe my child, clean my house, feed my husband, feed myself, possibly bathe, cut wood, paint, repeat. I was by myself all the time but never doing anything for myself. 

And again I wondered what happened to me? Who was I? And then I read a great

blog about choosing one word as your goal for this year, kind of like a resolution.  But rather than giving myself tasks to complete, I would be trying to improve my life by practicing this word. Originally I thought Grace.... We all need Grace, right? But then I realized what I really needed was JOY! To be joyful. 2013 was joy-filled yet... I struggled to feel that joy all the way down deep into my heart. It just kind of halted there (I.e. After 6 days of being thankful I just couldn't blog

About it anymore. Because as much as I knew my blessing were abundant, they just seemed hollow). 

So JOY is my word for 2014... And while I have already failed miserably this week in seeking joy and experiencing joy on several occasions... I can already feel a huge difference in my heart. I have a long way to go. The last 3 years have been full of life changes for me... And maybe somewhere on there I never really had time to experience each change before the next one hit... and maybe I got a little overwhelmed. Maybe I have the oddest case of baby blues ever (pre-partum and post-post partum). Or maybe Satan is using all of these blessings in my life and trying to twist them so they can steal my JOY. I'm really just not sure but spiritual warfare does seem to be hovering... What I DO know is that I am consciously choosing to be JOY-FILLED this year. 

1 Thes 5:16- always be full of joy. 

Psalm 66:1- Shout to joy for God, all the Earth. 

John 15:11- I have told you these things that my Joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. 

Disclaimer:

At no point in my pre-partum or

Post-post partum days did I question how much I loved my daughter or my

Husband. Whitlee is such a bright spot

In even my darkest days. And those days upon days I would spend hermit-ed

In my home were still full of laughter and love and playing. When I did feel joy deep inside It was because of my family and because of the hope I knew my God offered to me. 

6th day of Thankfulnwss

Very thankful that God blessed both Craig and I with little talents that allow us to supplement our income (and for me to stay home with my angel!) 

6 weeks ago my Best reminded me (again) that I should do more crafting for people and maybe try to host a few parties fostering creativity in others. And with some prayer and some chats with my ever-supportive husband, Kreative Whim was born! 

So here we are 6 weeks later with a full November calendar. A growing December calendar, and a great way to meet new people and make a little $$$ to pay for my daughter's wardrobe!  

In no way can I take credit for the success of Kreative Whim. I am simply using the talents that my God gave me to share with you. And the glory is all His! 

He provides exactly the amount of work each week that I need and can handle with an infant and husband to care for! I find myself sometimes frustrated because this or that"great idea" for KW didn't pan out as I had hoped. But then I remember that God's the one making this happen... And he sees when it is too much, or when Whitlee will need more attention long before I do. He is helping me keep my family a priority while still letting me have a "purpose" and project to help support my little family. So very blessed! 

Day 5.... 3 months since AUGUST 5

Well--- I'm that mom... The one that is going to write her 3rd post of thankfulness for the same thing in 5 days!

I am thankful for other things in my life- big and small- but I can't stop being thankful for my baby girl. And today she is 3 months old! 

I am so thankful she made her debut 3 months ago! And I'm so thankful we have  SURVIVED the last 3 months. My husband has been such an incredible partner on this journey and I have no idea how I could have made it without him! 

And I am thankful for Whitlee's grandparents. They are ready to step in at a moments notice to baby sit, care for me when I'm sick, stay up with W so Mommy and Daddy can sleep, and love my daughter. It truly takes a village (or a family) to raise a child.