I'm going to get really transparent about the last year--- especially the last 2 months--- of my life. Because people don't get transparent very often... and maybe you are up at 1 a.m. because you need these words.
I have, quite possibly, never been happier than I was when I went to sleep on August 5 (actually I'm not sure I slept that whole night.... And I know I hadn't slept the night before, so maybe I was just delirious!!!). My husband and I had just welcomed out precious princess into the world a few hours before, most of our family was there to share it with, and I was no longer pregnant!!!!!!
Sidebar- I despised pregnancy. Yes, I know those words should never come out of a mom's mouth. I WANTED to love it. I always thought I would. I prayed that it would be more enchanting for me--- But it just wasn't. I was sick the majority of my pregnancy, had more scares than I can stand to recall (which made bonding with the idea of a baby, or being excited at all, really hard until about 20 weeks in), was beyond exhausted, could not do things I loved to the maximum (like crossfit or teaching), had no desire whatsoever to craft, could not cook (or eat).... At one point my husband looked at me and said, " What happened to my wife?" When you are 6 months pregnant and 7 months married those 5 words were pretty devastating. I didn't know what happened to me either! I wanted to be excited about our baby... I wanted to be a good wife... I wanted to feel like me. But actually, I felt numb. I knew that I loved my child... But that love terrified me because I was afraid I would
Never meet her. I was afraid that I would always be this numb, unmotivated, tired person I had become.
So anyways- on August 5 I went to sleep happy. I sat up in bed several times during the night just to look at that little
Dark haired, dark skinned baby and marvel that she was mine.... And will her to wake up so we could snuggle. And for the next 12 weeks life just bee bopped right along. At 6 weeks I went back to crossfit, at 8 weeks we decided I would start a fun, krafty side business, at 10 weeks we decided I would become a stay at home mommy.... And at 12 weeks- I hit a wall.
Between 8-12 weeks working moms go back to work and the post partum phase of life is past. You no longer have a newborn- you have an infant. You are supposed to magically get out the door in with everything the baby and you need in record time each day. You should be back in your normal clothes, back in normal routine, back to Rx Crossfit WODs.... Only I wasn't.
It still took me 3 hours just to feed Whitlee, feed myself, bathe Whitlee, change her, and feed her again.... before we could walk out the door. My house was a wreck. I was still in maternity jeans. I couldn't do pull ups or toes to bar or double unders or box jumps at Crossfit. And I hit a wall. I left a partner WOD defeated, and in tears... And I was lost- again.
The holidays were approaching. I was up to my eyeballs in paint parties and private
orders for Kreative Whim... And I had a gorgeous little girl.... So I had to keep going but inside I was lost again. For days at a time I would not leave my house, even for the mailbox, except for Kreative Whim events. I didn't hear from friends and I didn't try to get in touch with them, either. I was in an endless routine of working to feed and bathe my child, clean my house, feed my husband, feed myself, possibly bathe, cut wood, paint, repeat. I was by myself all the time but never doing anything for myself.
And again I wondered what happened to me? Who was I? And then I read a great
blog about choosing one word as your goal for this year, kind of like a resolution. But rather than giving myself tasks to complete, I would be trying to improve my life by practicing this word. Originally I thought Grace.... We all need Grace, right? But then I realized what I really needed was JOY! To be joyful. 2013 was joy-filled yet... I struggled to feel that joy all the way down deep into my heart. It just kind of halted there (I.e. After 6 days of being thankful I just couldn't blog
About it anymore. Because as much as I knew my blessing were abundant, they just seemed hollow).
So JOY is my word for 2014... And while I have already failed miserably this week in seeking joy and experiencing joy on several occasions... I can already feel a huge difference in my heart. I have a long way to go. The last 3 years have been full of life changes for me... And maybe somewhere on there I never really had time to experience each change before the next one hit... and maybe I got a little overwhelmed. Maybe I have the oddest case of baby blues ever (pre-partum and post-post partum). Or maybe Satan is using all of these blessings in my life and trying to twist them so they can steal my JOY. I'm really just not sure but spiritual warfare does seem to be hovering... What I DO know is that I am consciously choosing to be JOY-FILLED this year.
1 Thes 5:16- always be full of joy.
Psalm 66:1- Shout to joy for God, all the Earth.
John 15:11- I have told you these things that my Joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.
Disclaimer:
At no point in my pre-partum or
Post-post partum days did I question how much I loved my daughter or my
Husband. Whitlee is such a bright spot
In even my darkest days. And those days upon days I would spend hermit-ed
In my home were still full of laughter and love and playing. When I did feel joy deep inside It was because of my family and because of the hope I knew my God offered to me.
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