Slow Learner

I don't know why I can't JUST BE who I want to be. Marriage is hard. Motherhood is hard. And most days I go to sleep feeling like a complete failure. 

I have a sweet, young friend that is mother-to-3, media specialist, co-nursery coordinator, patient and loving- and answers my questions multiple times a week about the most bizarre of situations. And every time I see her I think, "Why can't I be more like her?". Why am I so overwhelmed and I only have one (for a few more weeks) child? And I only work part time.  What's wrong with me? 

And then I realize, I'm a slow learner. I know exactly what's wrong with me. What's wrong with me is I am trying to be someone I'm just not. 

I think most of us want to be able to parent like we were parented. At least in my little group of friends- I think we feel like our parents did pretty good. We have fond memories of our childhood. And we want to pass along those same opportunities. My mom was a fun mom- we had picnics and baked Christmas cookies and made little English muffin pizzas.... We camped out by the Christmas tree and spent days at the beach. And our house was always clean. 

What you have to realize is our wasn't just clean. It was Venita-clean. Laundry was washed, folded, AND put away. Dishes were not left in the sink. Floors were vacuumed,swept and mopped almost daily. I've never seen anything in my mom's house that resembles dust. Supper was cooked at a decent time and my mom managed to have all of us bathed and dressed AND she had herself bathed and dressed. And I'm pretty sure we were rarely late.

And you know what- I drove my mom crazy. I knew I did. I wanted to make her happy but Venita-clean just never worked for me. I always had 1 too many books on my nightstand, and an art project or 3 or4 laying around. My clothes didn't always make it back to their "home" and I honestly don't remember you have to dust until i see dust. But to me- being Venita-clean is part of being a good mom. 

So I try to be the fun mom for Whitlee and bake cookies and play in the yard and read books.... But I can never let go of the nagging feeling that I am failing. Most nights I go to bed with dishes still in my sink. My laundry rarely gets from the basket to my drawers or closet. And supper is usually ready just in time for Whitlee's bedtime. All those things that drove my mom crazy about me.... Now drive myself crazy about me. 

I was texting with another sweet friend last week about how defeated I feel.  How weak and incompetent and frustrated. How easily I lose my temper and how often I don't even want to get out of bed because the day has already beaten me. And she told me that I was one of the best moms she knew. That my house was always clean and my daughter was happy. That i cooked supper and crafted.... And while I know she is seeing only the best of me - I wish I could give myself that measure of Grace. 

That I could be okay with having a Kate-clean house and picking up supper every now and then. That I could take a deep breath and enjoy my child and my husband instead of feeling like what I have to offer them is just never quite enough. My husband is loving and gracious and selfless in so many ways--- and i know there are many (probably most) days that he looks at me and ended what happened to the woman he married. I'm barely recognizable at this point.